One-Liners

You crack me up!

 

Guten tag amigos! It’s been awhile since I’ve updated my precious blog so I wanted this entry to be different from the others and what could be better than a collection of plagiarized jokes! I have a keen interest in all types of comedy, especially stand-up, so this was a fun blog to write.  Over the past 6 months I have written down any funny one-liner jokes I have heard or read. Below, you will find 20 of the funniest ones. Enjoy!

  1. I miss my ex-girlfriend, but my aim is improving!
  2. After realising that I had accidentally eaten my clone, I shat myself.
  3. I was sitting in traffic the other day, and I got run-over.
  4. I’d kill for the noble peace prize
  5. Who ever invented knock knock jokes should get a No-bell prize.
  6. Stopped at a road sign that said ‘Go’. I asked for €200. Apparently that’s only in Monopoly.
  7. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
  8. I failed my Human Anatomy exam today. I think it’s because I’m blind in one ear.
  9. I got sacked as a lifeguard yesterday. Turns out when swimmers are waving they’re not necessarily being friendly.
  10. Someone just stole my DVD of ‘Gone In 60 Seconds’, I only turned my back for a minute!
  11. Scrabble, it’s all fun and games until someone loses an i
  12. Thirty years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have no jobs, no cash and no hope.
  13. My friend rang me and asked, “What’re you doing at the moment?” I said, “Probably failing my driving test.”
  14. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
  15. Hitler wasn’t such a bad guy. After all, he did kill Hitler.
  16. Don’t worry about the world ending today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia
  17. I’ve been getting a lot of splinters lately. I hope I don’t get anymore, touch wood.
  18. I like to think of myself as a ‘people person’. But that’s just because it sounds better than being a ‘schizophrenic’.
  19. Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee looks larger the closer it gets,then it hit me
  20. I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you can watch it on T.V. for nothing.

 

Steve

 

 

Advertisements