One-Liners

You crack me up!

 

Guten tag amigos! It’s been awhile since I’ve updated my precious blog so I wanted this entry to be different from the others and what could be better than a collection of plagiarized jokes! I have a keen interest in all types of comedy, especially stand-up, so this was a fun blog to write.  Over the past 6 months I have written down any funny one-liner jokes I have heard or read. Below, you will find 20 of the funniest ones. Enjoy!

  1. I miss my ex-girlfriend, but my aim is improving!
  2. After realising that I had accidentally eaten my clone, I shat myself.
  3. I was sitting in traffic the other day, and I got run-over.
  4. I’d kill for the noble peace prize
  5. Who ever invented knock knock jokes should get a No-bell prize.
  6. Stopped at a road sign that said ‘Go’. I asked for €200. Apparently that’s only in Monopoly.
  7. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
  8. I failed my Human Anatomy exam today. I think it’s because I’m blind in one ear.
  9. I got sacked as a lifeguard yesterday. Turns out when swimmers are waving they’re not necessarily being friendly.
  10. Someone just stole my DVD of ‘Gone In 60 Seconds’, I only turned my back for a minute!
  11. Scrabble, it’s all fun and games until someone loses an i
  12. Thirty years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have no jobs, no cash and no hope.
  13. My friend rang me and asked, “What’re you doing at the moment?” I said, “Probably failing my driving test.”
  14. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
  15. Hitler wasn’t such a bad guy. After all, he did kill Hitler.
  16. Don’t worry about the world ending today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia
  17. I’ve been getting a lot of splinters lately. I hope I don’t get anymore, touch wood.
  18. I like to think of myself as a ‘people person’. But that’s just because it sounds better than being a ‘schizophrenic’.
  19. Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee looks larger the closer it gets,then it hit me
  20. I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you can watch it on T.V. for nothing.

 

Steve

 

 

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Christmas!

Well, It’s that time of year again! CHRISTMAS TIME!! I haven’t updated my blog in quite awhile. Thinking of an idea for a new blog post and then researching the topic I’ve chosen takes a lot of time. I currently have loads don’t have much free time. Plus, when it comes to the choice of either watching a movie and chillaxing or writing for my blog, I tend to choose the movie for the simply reason that it requires less brain power and effort. But do not worry! I shall hopefully update my blog shortly.

I’ll keep this entry short and sweet and just wish you all a very happy Christmas and New Year.

Steve

The Presidential Election

The time has come to elect someone to replace Mary McAleese as President of Ireland. Personally, I feel we should just leave Mary in the job but that can’t happen. I have been paying close attention to this election. I’ve watched all the television debates, most of which were boring as hell and not sticking to the issue of the presidency. I know I don’t have a vote but, as a citizen of the Republic of Ireland I feel it is important for me to know what’s going on in our little country.

This year we have 7 candidates running. It is the highest number of candidates to run for the job. Here are the candidates:

Mary Davis, social entrepreneur, disability rights campaigner and best known as organiser of the 2003 Special Olympics World Summer Games in Ireland, was nominated by local Councils.

Seán Gallagher, entrepreneur, panellist on the Dragons’ Den television programme and former member of the Fianna Fáil National Executive, was nominated by local Councils.

Michael D. Higgins, former Minister and TD was selected by the Labour Party.

Martin McGuinness, deputy First Minister of Northern Ireland was selected by Sinn Féin, and received enough support from independent TDs to be nominated. He is a former member of the IRA.

Gay Mitchell, MEP and former TD was selected by Fine Gael.

David Norris, Senator, scholar and civil rights campaigner, was nominated by local Councils.

Dana Rosemary Scallon, former MEP and won the 1970 Eurovision Song Contest. She was nominated by local Councils.

The Presidential campaign has been a right dirty and controversial one with all the secrets of the candidates been brought out into the open. Martin McGuinness’ IRA past and David Norris’  seven letters he sent to the Israeli authorities seeking clemency for his former partner after he was convicted of the statutory rape of a young boy are just some of the sagas that have rigged this election.

From watching all the debates and reading everything about each candidate, I have come to the conclusion that none of them are fully worthy of the presidency. There is something wrong about them all. They all lack the secret ingredient. We have Mary Davis who says she is 100% independent and always has been. She also says she has no political party connections, yet she served on over 20 boards and was appointed by 2 different governments to serve on them. Plus she is an extremely unlikable person and talks waffle constantly! Dana is a very stubborn person. She has tried to get elected before and failed. It is clear from the presidential poles that she is not going to get the job. She has only managed on average to get 4% on the poles. Gay Mitchell is running for Fine Gael and is a boring kinda guy. I believe that only independents should get the role of presidency. The same can be said for Michael D.Higgins. He is running for Labour. I’m anti-Labour. I think they are a horrible party and their policies don’t add up. Martin McGuinness is running for Sinn Fein and is also a former member of the IRA. I don’t think he should get the job because he was a member of a terrorist organisation. Seán Gallagher is a very successful entrepreneur and has been a member of the Fianna Fáil National Executive. He only resigned from Fianna Fáil in January and it is said he only resigned because Fianna Fáil said they won’t be running a candidate. And finally David Norris. He is a scholar and civil rights campaigner. He played a key part of the overthrowing of the the anti-homosexuality law. Sadly he has too much controversy attached to him to become president.

If I did have the right to vote on the 27th of October, my vote would go to Seán Gallagher for the simple reason that he is an independent and is a well liked person. His background isn’t as bad as the rest of the cabbages that are running.

Steve

It’s Time To Start Blogging!

Alright, first things first, Hey! My name is Stephen! I have finally created a blog. I used have one on Blogspot but I only ever updated it twice. I had heard that WordPress was way better and boy was that correct. I find WordPress a lot easier to use and more interesting unlike Blogspot. DAMN YOU BLOGSPOT!

It’s going to be a fun experience having a blog. I do hope to update this as often as possible. I won’t be writing a daily blog like most. I don’t have the time or commitment for that yet. Hopefully in the future I’ll reach that sort of level. I’d like the blog to help me improve my English also. Having this blog may beneficial. I’m not sure yet what I’ll talk about but I’m sure I’ll think of something. I’ll post fun videos and stuff like also.

Anywhoo, that’s all from me for the moment. I will write another blog soon!

Steve